“Have you thought about adoption?”
This phrase has been running around my head throughout National Adoption Week. If I’m being completely honest, it runs through my head pretty regularly. I am thinking about it.
When Elis and I were coming to terms with what azoospermia meant for us (“You can use a donor or adopt” said the consultant) adoption was very much on our minds. It wasn’t our choice. None of it was. Using a donor had been ruled out months before as I didn’t want a baby that wasn’t Elis’ (more about this during National Fertility Awareness Week).
I’m pretty convinced that any couple who have faced infertility will have this question asked of them.
“Have you thought about adoption?”
The incredibly sarcastic battle axe who lives inside me would respond:
“What is this thing you talk of? Ad-op-tion. It is a brand new idea. You mean they actually just give you a kid when you want it? You don’t have to go through the rigmarole of procreating. What a huge relief! Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention as I process the loss of hopes and dreams I had for producing my own children.”
Thankfully for the world (and my relationships) the sarcastic battle axe is occasionally filtered. A simple, “Hmm” or “Yup”, will suffice and we can all move on.
But really we shouldn’t move so swiftly pass it. The intention behind that question is good but its timing may not be. You see, I really do think we should be turning the question around.
“Have YOU thought about adoption?”
If you’re willing to ask the question of someone else, then perhaps you’d be willing to think about it for yourself. When people asked us if we were thinking about adoption, it felt more like a suggestion of how to solve our infertility. It didn’t really do justice to the pain we were experiencing. As if we could make it all better with this magic adoption cream. It also doesn’t do justice to the parents who adopt their children. To the lengthy process they go to. To the scrutiny their lives come under to become parents. To the calling they have.
Adoption doesn’t solve infertility.
Adoption isn’t a second choice. Those children deserve to be a first choice. An informed choice. A considered, planned for, prayed for, a desired choice.
Lots of infertility survivors may feel called to adopt. Lots may not.
In my heyday as a teacher, I had the privilege of going on residentials (I’m not being sarcastic – I loved it!). These weeks were always filled with seeing your kids be brave and try new things. The annoying thing was that the instructors didn’t expect the teacher to watch. And it was great. Instead of telling them to be brave, I had to show them. On one occasion, whilst caving, I got wedged in a tunnel. Cries of, “Mrs Matthews is stuck!”, followed by enthusiastic laughter reverberated around the man made cave. I won’t lie. I thought they were going to have to crack that cave open and winch me out. But they didn’t. I took deep breaths, stayed calm, try to think myself thin and slowly got through the tunnel. Much to the relief of the child stuck behind me who clearly thought her days were numbered and never came near me again when on activities.
I guess the point of all this is that we shouldn’t just be asking the childless and infertile if they have thought about adoption. If you are willing to ask that question of someone else then you should be willing to ask yourself that question. Have I thought about adoption?
Adoption is so fundamental to the Christian faith. We are adopted as God’s children.
So this week, I am asking the question of all of us:
Have WE thought about adoption?
Brilliant Sheila, as a infertile woman with adopted children I echo your statement, ‘adoption does not solve infertility’ and nor does infertility qualify you to be an adoptive parent. It does however meet the need for a family for children that are waiting for a home – everyone should think about adoption.
Thanks Sonya. I wholeheartedly agree. I also keep discovering more and more mutual friends we have so hopefully one day we will get to meet in person xx
As an adoptive parent I often feel conflicted between wanting to encourage others to follow suit but so aware of the complexities that make it not appropriate for everyone. Adoption isn’t the answer to childlessness, but it is a tremendous privileged. That God can trace the rainbow in the rain for both us and our adoptive children. Praying that more people will step forward to embrace children that need love and permanency x
Thank you for getting in touch Rebecca. Definitely keep sharing your story and encouraging others to think about adoption. My post was really about the way that adoption can be presented to childless/infertile people as a solution. It would be wonderful if we all were exploring whether adoption is the route for us, wouldn’t it?
For us, it was a first choice! It may seem like heresy to those who long for a baby, but that was never me. Babies are lovely so long as they are someone else’s,( and especially if they are grandchildren! ) But sorry, not for me; but older children, even teenagers, I believe we had some skills in parenting older children, and that is what we did, but nobody ever said it would be easy. All that’s been said about the (justifiably)intrusive nature of the selection process etc etc is true. But you discover who your real friends are as they stand with you. We have been much blessed in having a wonderful adopted daughter who came to us when she was 8, and now two of the most wonderful grandchildren, but the route to now has been painful, with battling bureaucracy for the sake of two of the children we fostered, and the guilt we felt when we said we couldn’t take two children we were asked to give a home to, (but on that occasion the support we were given by the social worker was superb). Yes, we still carry some of the scars, but the joys and blessings are great!
Lynne, that’s a brilliant testimony to have shared with us. Thank you! It is always really encouraging to hear people’s differing experiences and especially from someone who felt called to adopt first and foremost. Thank you so much for sharing xxx
Your words echo my feelings, Sheila. In my infertile mind it’s like saying, “Sorry you lost your parents, have you thought of adopting some from a retirement home?” But I can accept EVERYONE feels differently about the idea.
Yup. I can imagine some varied responses to that question! 😉
Thank you Sheila for this. I often want to say exactly this to well-meaning friends who have conceived children of their own without difficulty as we continue into our 6th year of wishing and praying we may someday become parents. I know they mean well, I know this. But still – why don’t they ask themselves this same question. Thank you for writing this.
Thank you for your encouragement xxx
Thank you for this! Our last attempt at IVF failed just before I turned 40. I had had enough of being put through the wringer and we decided we were content as a twosome. I couldn’t see myself becoming a parent in my mid 40s (we are in France and the process is agonizingly slow). We have good friends who have adopted following infertility and are thrilled for them but seeing them go through the process made us see it just wasn’t for us. Though some people try to take it on themselves to change our minds, probably because they can’t understand how we could possibly be content as a family of two.
Thanks Suzanne for your comment. It is strange how being a happy twosome is seen as not ok. Thanks for sharing and encouraging us xx