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Hope for Sale

By On 11 December 2013

Last month, National Infertility Awareness week passed by in a flurry of surprising cake toppers (yes, they were cake toppers with little sperms fertilising an egg and no, I didn’t hold back in offering people sperm cakes), being mistaken for a lesbian (repeatedly) and surviving a pretty incredible night of vulnerability. After NIAW [insert jingle and awkward dancing], I was…

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Still Broken

By On 19 November 2013

It hits me suddenly, straight to my heart, then there’s that sick feeling when the room is spinning and finally a lingering sadness hovering over me, shrouding each conversation until I leave. I drive home, alone, venting my anger at any driver or cyclist who doesn’t adhere to the highway code and any traffic light daring to turn red. When…

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awkward

By On 21 October 2013

‘For when I am weak, then I am strong’. 2 Corinthians 12:10 Talking about infertility is really uncomfortable. No, really, believe me, it is super awkward. Whatever side of the conversation you are on. I think I make it worse as I have a habit of using humour to diffuse the awkwardness. An example of this is my recent discovery…

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The Key

By On 3 September 2013

…think about such things. I’ve been feeling really good. Strong, happy, hopeful. Trying new and tasty food, meeting lots of wonderful new people and feeling the relaxation of being far from your reality. Bliss. I read Lizzie’s last blog post and was so touched. The shame she admitted resonated with me. She spoke truths about my heart but in her…

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Why the Book is Always Better than the Film

By On 25 August 2013

I’ve never heard anyone say ‘the film was better than the book’. I think it’s because shiny Hollywood stars can struggle to convey the messiness inside a character brought to life within the words on a page. For years I’ve tried to live the film adaptation of my life, you know, the one like your Facebook page; with witty comments,…

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Stones on the Hillside

By On 9 August 2013

Somewhere on the fine line between hope and superstition, I went for a walk. The walk started at work. This was back before I knew about having azoospermia, when having babies was still a possibility, when we were still trying out names and middle names, when we were still hopeful. I walked from the office (in the middle of woodland)…

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The Tastiest Meal You’ll Ever Have

By On 17 July 2013

As I sit here, my toes sliding into the sand, the warmth of the sun on my face and the gentle rolling waves playing in the background as the soundtrack to my day, a tear rolls down my cheek. I realise that I am alone and that I really do need to face the reality of what has happened. As…

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Tread Softly

By On 15 July 2013

“Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.” W.B.Yeats Since writing my first blog post in June, I’ve been overwhelmed by the encouraging and supportive responses I have received. But I feel like a fraud. Many people called me brave. But I don’t feel it. I’m not brave. I’m frightened. I shared my journey, my grief, to try and overcome…

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The Plan

By On 28 June 2013

Isaiah 28:29 | All this also comes from the Lord Almighty, whose plan is wonderful, whose wisdom is magnificent. It’s funny that as humans we feel the need to make plans. We plan so much of our lives all the time and so often neglect to consult our creator God about it, who knows us far better than we will…

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Not an Average Monday Morning

By On 27 June 2013

“There are some magazines in the box if you’re interested.” It’s the kind of thing a pubescent boy might dream of being told by their older brother (accompanied by a nudge and a wink). But coming from a male embryologist on a Monday morning in the centre for reproductive medicine at Bart’s Hospital, the suggestion of naughty pictures did not…