beauty for ashes

Beauty for Ashes

Sometimes it’s not until you feel so incredibly liberated that you realise just how trapped you were. We were so trapped, in the cycle of miscarriages & disappointment. We were pretty much on loop.

It’s so exhausting and all-encompassing. You wrestle with not making it your focus, you try your hardest to ‘just not think about it’ as you have been advised so many times, but still it’s what you have been longing for, aching for, for years. The truth is, you were longing for it even before you started trying.

But then came the liberation.

Just over a year ago Ben told me he was looking at information on adoption. I didn’t give him room to talk about it anymore, I just snapped ‘I am not ready to talk about that yet’. Bam, end of conversation, feels so harsh in hindsight. However those few words together mark the beginning of GOD helping us to independently process what we were both feeling called to.

Only a few months later, after we had both secretly found out a little more, we were ready to speak again. This time however my heart had been prepared for the choices we were making & we were ready to start pursuing adoption for ourselves.

I cannot even explain that process. Words fail me. But what I do know, is that somewhere along the line I realised just what it is that Ben & I are passionate about. We are, first & foremost, passionate about having a family. That in itself is what made us realise what we can let go of. We still need to mourn some things; that we won’t have the physical experience of childbirth, that our children might not look like us, that we won’t be sifting through huge baby name books & the list goes on. BUT we share an excitement for the things that ARE to be gained.

One passage I have kept coming back to during this season is Isaiah 61, where it says in verses 1 & 3:

“He has sent me to comfort the broken-hearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed… To all who mourn, he will give a crown of BEAUTY FOR ASHES”

Just as we have experienced brokenness in our journey to parenthood, our child will have experienced brokenness & great loss in their journey to be parented. It’s incredible that through adoption we can become parents but also that that adoption will bring a new hope to our child’s life too.

On making our decision we have experienced such overwhelming liberation. All the bitterness, the heart ache, the lack of hope completely lifted. I began allowing myself to actually follow people with children on social media again. I stopped avoiding the baby section of a department store. I allowed myself to dream again. And it feels amazing.

Will there still be challenges? Yes. Will we still have to protect ourselves from insensitive comments? Yes. Will it be worth it? Absolutely yes.