Isaiah 28:29 | All this also comes from the Lord Almighty, whose plan is wonderful, whose wisdom is magnificent.
It’s funny that as humans we feel the need to make plans. We plan so much of our lives all the time and so often neglect to consult our creator God about it, who knows us far better than we will ever know ourselves.
Five years ago today my husband and I shared in one of the most significant days of our lives, we got married. Two years prior to that, we felt a strong sense that God was letting us know a little of His plan for our lives, that we were in fact called to be together. This ‘calling’ has time and time again been reaffirmed to us. I feel so honoured that God did let us in on His plan for our lives.
As all soon to be newlyweds do, we talked about children, and yes, we wanted them. We made a ‘five year plan’. Today is therefore a very significant day. Five years ago we planned that by now we would have children. We wondered who they’d look like, what names we’d call them and if they’d be a boy or a girl. Well the five year plan changed.
Three years ago we followed God’s calling for Ben to be ordained. Being at a Church of England theological college is a very unique experience. Alongside the academic, spiritual and theological challenges there is also a thriving family community, where lots of babies are being born. In under a year, we became broody. Our plan changed.
However, despite this being our plan, our tight neatly boxed plan, it’s not quite yet happened. Five years ago I thought it would be very easy to plan when to have children, now I’m not so sure. I did not plan for the pain of experiencing miscarriage after miscarriage, after failed conception after miscarriage. I did not plan for sleepless nights, tears, broken dreams. I’m not sure either, if this was God’s plan. Sorry if this doesn’t work with your theology, but I cannot blame my suffering on the one who died to save me, it doesn’t match up. We live in a broken world.
Today I am not only grieving my broken dreams of being able to prolong a pregnancy this month, but also the pain of not having children within ‘the five year plan’. Tomorrow we are marking the beginning of Ben’s new job and I am grieving not taking children into curacy with me. But despite all this I am still consulting God on His plan for our lives. Above all else I long to serve His Kingdom on earth. This doesn’t mean I don’t feel the pain of losing my plan, I will still have sleepless nights flooded with tears. But instead, despite the pain, I find joy in God’s bigger plan for our lives being revealed to me on a daily basis and I am constantly reminded of just perfect that plan truly is.
Esther, thanks for baring your soul. May you and Ben find yourself continually where God wants you to be, but with peace in your pain and with the hope of joys to come. My best wishes to Ben
Oh Esther your courage and faith are so inspiring. Thank you for sharing this. You and Ben are in our prayers x
That is an amazing response to such a heart breaking situation. You are an inspiration. Will be praying for you x
Thank you for being so honest. Thinking of you and praying xx
Oh Esther, how brave of you to post such an honest blog.
Happy 5th to you both xx
Esther – your soul is beautiful and your courage and determination are truly touching. You and Ben are amazing and I will be praying for you both with all my heart. Miss you guys! xxxxxxxxxx
Hi Est! Remember me?! Well I just read your blog! And it is just so special for you to have shared such personal thoughts and experiences as you have! I just want to say I am really thankful and admire how beautiful your faith is! Here’s to many many many more years for you and Ben:) x
My heart goes out to you both, good luck & best wishes for the future.
Lisa & family xx